My mother said something profound tonight.

My dad (who recently lost his father, my granddad) asked how long it took her to stop wanting to talk to her mother after she died. To stop seeing something and picking up the phone to call her, or to stop unconsciously thinking she was still around. My mother thought for a moment and said that it took her a few years and remembered a time that she thought of her mother and started crying and wrote a letter to her dad’s new wife apologizing for her outburst. She explained it by saying:

“I feel like there’s a hole inside me and I’m trying to fill it with a teaspoon when I should be using a shovel.”

I think that’s very profound.
Especially from my mother who doesn’t make a show of trying to say witty things like the rest of us do.

One of my favorite songs in the whole world is a song called “Dirty Work” by Steely Dan.
The song is about a man who keeps going over to this woman’s house supposedly in the middle of the day and having sex with her while her husband is away. He regrets it every time but he keeps doing it. He laments over and over in the song that he’s a fool to be doing her dirty work. The chorus says “I’m a fool to do your dirty work. I don’t wanna do your dirty work no more.” but he can’t seem to get away from it. I make that assumption because Steely Dan never wrote another song called “Wow, I’m Sure Glad I Stopped Doing Dirty Work”

I just think the song is genius, not just because I think Steely Dan is one of the greatest bands ever, but the song goes so much deeper, at least for me, than the mere lament of a man who is in an adulterous relationship with another man’s wife.

I can listen to that song over and over and not get sick of it. I always find myself singing along with the chorus as if I am saying I’m a fool to be doing someone else’s dirty work. I’m not doing someone’s dirty work, precisely as the song is talking…but I find myself growing more and more unhappy with the way things are in my life.

It would be best for all parties involved if I left it there for now. More later.

Oh, I just won a collection of stuffed bees. Odd? I think so.


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