Monthly Archives: May 2008

Ugh…Where do I start?

I kind of avoided posting this because I didn’t want to admit it.
I really feel weak and well, weak pretty much covers it.

So, I went back to the union.
I was going to stand up for what I believed in and…
Who am I kidding? I felt stupid that I screwed up that show so I wanted to hide for a while. I didn’t. I got right back up there and kept working like nothing happened.

As far as the summer program I couldn’t talk the director in to letting me quit. I know, I was supposed to go in there, drop my keys on the table and say “I quit” and be reduced to gossip for the rest of the summer but I decided to go through with it. I decided to stay so I also decided not to whine about it, that’ll last about a week if I’m lucky.

I’m done with one of the summer classes, I still have three to finish, but I’m done with one.

This is what’s seriously freaking me out:
I got a phone call at like…9:30 tonight from my business agent who I still feel a little bit on the outs with after the show debacle. He told me that there was an incident report at one of the venues and my name almost ended up on it because someone wasn’t working because he was standing there talking to me. I don’t recall standing around talking to anybody instead of working, that’s not something I do. I remember wanting to get done so we didn’t go in to the fifth hour, because I’d hear nothing but whining if we went in to the 5th hour. That’s not something I normally think about…but two people got hurt because of this incident and I just don’t remember anything about it. I don’t remember talking to anyone instead of doing anything—and that’s what bothers me. I have a pretty solid memory but for some reason this escapes me. One of the women on the show who was a pain to begin with told the BA that the guy was standing around talking to me and that’s why this happened. So I basically got told to distance myself from this guy because he tries to find people to talk to instead of working and I happened to be that person that day.

The problem is I don’t remember anything.
Maybe I need to get my head checked.

My main issue and point of freaking out is that I went almost two years without a problem, without a complaint, without so much as a spot on my record…and then here comes May and I miss a show (that I still maintain I didn’t know about) and now this…I just don’t have a clue.
and you know what…screw the guy. If he’s going to be a jerk and screw things up for himself he’d better not drag me down with him.

Ugh. This is driving me crazy.
I don’t screw up the things that don’t matter but the things that matter I just screw up like crazy!
Well, I’m not making another mistake. Ever.
and if Mr. Stand Around and Screw Up tries to mess with me…I’ll kick his ass.
Oops, I said the A-word.
It’s 3:00 AM and I can’t sleep…probably because of this. It might not work. Ugh.

Summer program in: 9 Days
I’m: Going to try to go to bed.

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Two hopes.

I hope this summer will be better than last.

and…

I hope I can do what I need to do.

There’s a noise in my house, and it sounds like motors that the union used to float speakers.
Its killing me.

Travels throughout Central Kentucky…and why I am an idiot.

I shouldn’t be writing about this, and I shouldn’t be thinking about it either. I should be in bed getting ready for my call tomorrow, but I know if I try to sleep I won’t be able to and even the strongest dose of fiction set in the 18th century won’t lull me in to a nice happy relaxed state.

I should be happy. I worked a great show today. I learned how to do two new things (They let me pull rails and run the light board)…but I can’t be.

The first part of the title is Travels throughout Central Kentucky…I went to Lexington Thursday with my class (Restoration Movement) and we took a nice tour of some historic places. Yeah.

I was supposed to be at a show Thursday.
No one told me.
They swear they told me multiple times and maybe they did…this supposed telling me was all before finals, checking 14 girls out of their rooms, cleaning up after those 14 girls, setting up a mother daughter banquet, getting my sister off to prom, and working for my parents for free for two days.
Maybe they did.

So I feel like an idiot.
and I who have never in my life quit anything…quit the stagehands union.

I’ll regret it, I know.
I need to find something else to do with my life.

and I’m going to quit the summer program too as soon as I can grow the balls to do it.

The two things that used to make me the happiest I’m leaving.
I guess I need to find something else to make me happy.

I’m a big fan of sucking it up.

…but that is so hard to do sometimes.

I lied to myself when I said I’d be all right with staying here in small town Kentucky all summer. I know I have classes to take and things to accomplish and trying to travel or find a place to live other than here would be too complicated. With the price of living I should just be happy to have work coming in and classes to take and move on.

However, as the egotistical being I’ve become lately I am a little more than displeased about having to slum here all summer when my friends who are less talented than me all got great audio company jobs and even jobs in huge unions this summer while I’m stuck with my failing summer program.

Maybe it’s not failing…maybe I’m failing it because I don’t love it anymore.
Its not that I don’t love it…I just…well, I think they need to find someone who loves it more than I can, who can give it more time and patience than I can.

I decided last night at about 12:30 that this is my last year. I don’t want to hang around after graduation next year, try to make it through May in Hicksville, and work through June and July. I don’t think so.

So here I am a little more than irritated, a little less than depressed. I went to Taco Bell for lunch with Sean before he left to go home until June and ate too much so I’m a little upset about that too…dang, why does my emotional state have to manifest itself in what I shove down my throat.

Tomorrow starts Maymester, a three week educational extravaganza in which I sit in a classroom for two and a half hours a day and learn about the Restoration Movement.

I was lying to myself when I said I’d enjoy it.

I won’t. I will enjoy few things this summer but as I said I’m a big fan of sucking it up.

Before he got in the car to leave Sean said he’d miss me.
I’m going to miss him more than he realizes.

I am such a child sometimes…

There was a chocolate lab on campus. Dogs are my favorite, and labs are even better. I’ve had a black lab named Sam since I was eleven.

She was pretty, she was smart, and she was well-trained. I wanted to take her home.
Then I found out she was old and sick.
After I had let her sleep in the dorm lobby all afternoon.
Why did I do that? Honestly, I should know better than to let dogs in off the streets to sleep in the lobby.

I’m pretty much only an adult when it comes to being responsible and paying for things…and answering the phone late at night.

The school year is almost over. I’m finally done with everything and just have to pack and move out of here. I don’t want to move out. I wish I didn’t have to.

The cable is out in the dorms so I’m watching Star Trek movies until I can go home.

Honestly. I’m such a child.

I was so close…

I was so close to being done.

Then Thursday night my evil professor for my Government class decided we needed two more papers to due before the school year ended (the school year technically ends tomorrow) and a huge midterm. Thanks. I really appreciate that.

Adding to that I was exhausted from Wednesday and I’m currently nursing a pulled shoulder muscle (I’m an idiot) so I wasn’t the happiest camper she’d ever seen on Thursday night. I think I said some things I may end up regretting.

You know what, its the end of the school year, my grandparents are at my house (the ones from Texas/Minnesota) and its a beautiful day.

I’ll go ahead and shut up about the MASSIVE paper I have to do.

I could curse, but I’ll hold off.