Ugh…Where do I start?

I kind of avoided posting this because I didn’t want to admit it.
I really feel weak and well, weak pretty much covers it.

So, I went back to the union.
I was going to stand up for what I believed in and…
Who am I kidding? I felt stupid that I screwed up that show so I wanted to hide for a while. I didn’t. I got right back up there and kept working like nothing happened.

As far as the summer program I couldn’t talk the director in to letting me quit. I know, I was supposed to go in there, drop my keys on the table and say “I quit” and be reduced to gossip for the rest of the summer but I decided to go through with it. I decided to stay so I also decided not to whine about it, that’ll last about a week if I’m lucky.

I’m done with one of the summer classes, I still have three to finish, but I’m done with one.

This is what’s seriously freaking me out:
I got a phone call at like…9:30 tonight from my business agent who I still feel a little bit on the outs with after the show debacle. He told me that there was an incident report at one of the venues and my name almost ended up on it because someone wasn’t working because he was standing there talking to me. I don’t recall standing around talking to anybody instead of working, that’s not something I do. I remember wanting to get done so we didn’t go in to the fifth hour, because I’d hear nothing but whining if we went in to the 5th hour. That’s not something I normally think about…but two people got hurt because of this incident and I just don’t remember anything about it. I don’t remember talking to anyone instead of doing anything—and that’s what bothers me. I have a pretty solid memory but for some reason this escapes me. One of the women on the show who was a pain to begin with told the BA that the guy was standing around talking to me and that’s why this happened. So I basically got told to distance myself from this guy because he tries to find people to talk to instead of working and I happened to be that person that day.

The problem is I don’t remember anything.
Maybe I need to get my head checked.

My main issue and point of freaking out is that I went almost two years without a problem, without a complaint, without so much as a spot on my record…and then here comes May and I miss a show (that I still maintain I didn’t know about) and now this…I just don’t have a clue.
and you know what…screw the guy. If he’s going to be a jerk and screw things up for himself he’d better not drag me down with him.

Ugh. This is driving me crazy.
I don’t screw up the things that don’t matter but the things that matter I just screw up like crazy!
Well, I’m not making another mistake. Ever.
and if Mr. Stand Around and Screw Up tries to mess with me…I’ll kick his ass.
Oops, I said the A-word.
It’s 3:00 AM and I can’t sleep…probably because of this. It might not work. Ugh.

Summer program in: 9 Days
I’m: Going to try to go to bed.


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