Everybody knows, it hurts to grow up.
I am a fan of Itunes 8 and the new Genius option that makes playlists for me. As a lifetime mix-maker I am so pleased that I now have Genius to make my mixes for me…but I do some minor tweaking here and there.
This afternoon over lunch my dad’s boss asked me when I was going to get back together with my ex-boyfriend Sean. I mentioned I was moving to Texas in September (or shortly thereafter) and he said “are you leaving Sean behind?” I thought he was calling my boyfriend Brian (formerly known as the man I wish I didn’t care about, or the man) Sean, but no…he was saying in his own backward way that Sean and I should get back together and I should forsake the happiness I have with Brian and go back to my relationship with Sean which was comfortable, but nothing else really. Sean couldn’t handle a strong personality…and what am I if not a strong personality. He couldn’t handle anything being not perfect and put together. What am I if not imperfect and not anywhere together? It wouldn’t work. I realize this, he realizes this…the rest of the world (or the small part of the world I inhabit) needs to.
Brian is nothing like Sean, which caused people initially not to like him (except my best friend who hated Sean). Brian is loud and obnoxious, he has wild hair and looks like a mountain man (like Red Green from the Red Green show in his twenties…no one knows what the Red Green show is) He is tattooed, drinks, says bad words, and generally…okay, acts like I do. (I’m not tattooed by the way…I have a distaste for them lately). He has a strong personality and comes across negatively sometimes. I too have a strong personality and come across negatively sometimes.
I think we are absolutely perfect for each other. My mother said last year she was praying I would find a man who wouldn’t take my foolishness and wouldn’t let me just run over top of them…Her prayer was answered whether she likes it or not. I have feelings for him that I’ve never had for any man previously…and I’m working through those feelings every day.
Aside from my personal life…I’m applying to law school. I feel like I’m too young to apply, I feel like I’m too young to graduate, but I’m doing it anyway. There’s a reason I’m graduating in three years, and I’m beginning to realize it. Its all beginning to fall in to place and I’m excited I’ve been astute enough to figure it all out.
I’m here in the library at college where I’ve taken to living lately to do homework. I do this for two reasons: 1. I am a social creature and I like being around other people instead of in my room where I live alone. 2. I will actually do my homework if I try to do it down here instead of making up other things to do. A third reason would be I can’t be alone in my room unless its after midnight. People seem to need my services as an RA if I indicate I’m in my room by…making any kind of noise.
In my time here at the library I find I delve in to my introspective nature a bit too heavily. I’ve had a good week so far (I know its only Tuesday) and last week was really good (except for the fact I’m in a weight watchers downward spiral at the moment). I spent most of the weekend at a conference for high school leaders helping out my father and his traveling group of slackers, or singers. I came back Sunday because my grandmother called me and told me she and my grandfather (or Papaw as he is more infamously known) were coming through Kentucky for a visit and wanted to come see us. I spent the afternoon with them and then Brian took me to Starbucks, because he really is a good boyfriend. Not that taking one’s girlfriend to Starbucks makes a boyfriend good or bad.
We were driving home from Starbucks and we took all the back roads we could (because that’s what we do) and he kept being awkward and creepy intermittently. We spent most of the ride in silence, the awkward silence that I hate. I finally asked if he was going to break up with me, to which he shouted No. I asked if he was going to tell me he was gay, to which he shouted no. I asked if I’d done something to make him upset and he said No. He asked if I trusted him and I said “yes, I trust you implicitly.” We kept driving in silence for a minute and he said “I have to tell you something and I don’t know how you’re going to take it.” I didn’t say anything. We kept driving and I kept getting more and more nervous…
Finally he pulled on to a dead end road and said “Do you want to know what it is?”
He put both hands on the steering wheel and screamed. “I LOVE YOU”
It was the single most romantic thing I’ve ever heard in my life. I screamed “OH MY GOD!!…and then in the smallest voice I’ve ever heard come out of me in my life I said “I love you, I’ve been saying it to the back of your head for weeks” (true). We laughed really loudly and eventually got back on the road and traveled back home.
I had only said that before to one other man in my life and when I said it I felt a lot of my feelings for him drain out of me like they actually were being taken from me. I felt different, everything changed after I said it. I don’t feel this way now. I feel like…I feel like I’ve found something wonderful and want to keep it. I feel like my life is falling in to place and I’m not going to fight it, I’m going to go along with it.