Monthly Archives: November 2008

Thanksgiving Week.

I’ve been weepy all day.

I got a text first thing this morning from one of my best friends who just told me she lost her baby after being pregnant for ten weeks. She said “miscarriage is a funny word, you are missing a baby carriage.” I teared up a little for her and her husband, without any way of knowing the pain theyr’e in. I may never be in that situation…but I feel so bad for them right now.

God does strange (sometimes horrible to our human perception) things to show us His plan for our lives. We have to remind ourselves, which I do daily, that God is in control all the time.

The show I’m working this week is driving me crazy. I can’t do anything to please the director and I’m working two shows in Ohio this week on top of that…so I really just can’t get it right. I don’t really care. I’m doing this show for free and I know that’s a horrible way to look at it, but if I can do some shows for pay in the middle of it everything will work out.

I applied for a big kid job. I hope I get it.

My friend’s brother is dying of cancer. My heart hurts for his entire family. They’re such people of faith and that’s really helping them through this horrible time in their lives.

The Man is in Michigan. I miss him. He told his parents we were getting married and they took it well. Mine won’t. I’m glad his did. I’ve never dated a man whose parents liked me. There’s just something about me that makes mothers not want me dating their sons. I asked him if he told his parents he was dating a dirty stagehand and he said yes, and they didn’t mind. That’s nice I guess. I might impress them with my skills instead of my cooking and housekeeping and general femininity (which is a joke). That’s stress I don’t need right now.

I’m going to blowdry my hair and go to work. That will make me happy.

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This made me so happy.

“If you ruined my life it would make me happy…wait, that came out wrong…If you ruined my life that would be okay…No, that’s not it…I love you and I want to marry you is the end of this discussion, does that work?”

-Brian aka The Man

This week should be stricken from the record.

We the unwilling, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful; We have done so much, for so long, with so little; We can now do virtually anything with nothing!

That is the stagehands creed.
Its a joke, but its true on several levels.

It applies to my other job pretty well too…at least the doing the impossible for the ungrateful part does.

I’m sick of school. I’m sick of being tired all the time and never getting anything accomplished. I just want it to be Thanksgiving break, that I have to spend on campus working–what a stupid decision.

College has gotten really old really quick and I just want it to be over.

I’m supposed to be planning a wedding but I can’t. I can’t look at dresses or think about invitations, or do anything like it…I just can’t. I’m hoping I get over it…but right now I’m convinced he’s going to go home and someone is going to talk him out of marrying me…and I’m not going to be able to talk him back in to marrying me, because maybe I never wanted to get married in the first place and I’ve just been putting up a front because he’s so excited about it. Yeah, that sounds exactly like something I would do. I just don’t know. I just can’t be serious or excited about it.

I’m angry at my sister for being a selfish ass. I hate that she disagrees loudly with every decision I’ve made in the past few months and think she knows better than me what to do with my life. I can’t stand it. It makes me not want to be around her. I wanted her to be my maid of honor in my wedding..that probably isn’t going to happen anyway….but I don’t think she’ll behave or act mature enough to do it. I want her to be happy for me and she won’t stop hating my decisions long enough to do it. I don’t think I can handle it.

I’m working Thursday and I’m kind of happy about it. I have a feeling I’m getting sick, or at least a deep chill has found its way in to my bones and I can’t get it out. I just want to sleep but I know I shouldn’t. I’m so upset this week and I don’t know why.

I just want to go home and stay for a week in my parents house.
but I know I’ll get bored as soon as I get there, with no friends to hang out with and no plans. I will get work done, and that will make me happy.

So I’m going to focus on getting work done for right now.

I’m supposed to be doing work but…

I’m blogging instead.

I was supposed to work today, but I got called off at the last minute which is just fine with me. I have a ton of stuff to do tonight anyway.

The thing I’m supposed to be working on right now is a rather massive paper, and every time I get in to a good rhythm of writing it I get interrupted by something that’s not quite so important as this paper. So here I am at the library blogging instead of waiting to be interrupted by lunch which is in a few minutes.

I’m doing better healthwise, I sort of hate myself a little because I stress out over too many things, but my freakouts are what make me a good stage manager…

and I get the chance to be a stage manager again next week. I’m really looking forward to it…at the same time I would like to hang myself from a 1 ton motor pick in the ceiling. We’ll see how that goes.

Right now I feel like I’m stuck under a mountain of papers and assignments that keep me from doing what I would rather do.

My friends all have stress in their life which is not helping any of my situations at all.

The man and I have started talking about rings, weddings, and where exactly we’re going to live next year…
My parents don’t understand why I decided not to go to law school.
Christmas is coming, and I wonder how I’m going to afford gifts for everyone and still make enough money to travel with a band this summer.

But I have to stop stressing, so I’ve decided to make a list of the things I need to accomplish and accomplish them one by one.

Decisions.

I’ve made four decisions recently…

1. I am the worst history major ever. I play Tetris on my computer during History class instead of diligently doing work and participating in discussion. I don’t know when this happened, but it did…and I’m a little irritated this happened. I do my homework for history classes, I am actually halfway interested in the reading and do the reading, and when a question about history comes on jeopardy I answer it.

I am, however, the most dedicated and interested stagehand ever. Funny how that works out.

2. I am not going to law school next year. Instead I am taking a year off to do work, pref. stagehand work…though I could be persuaded to do some other kind of work. My focus just isn’t there this year…and I don’t think I can magically resurrect it in time to get a 180 on the LSAT and get in to law school.

3. If all goes well I am getting married in August. This has nothing to do with number 2. Nor will it ever. He was willing to support me through law school and he is still willing. It was my decision, because I can make those.

4. I hate college right now and everything (and mostly everyone) associated with it.

Hooray for decision making.