I’m sort of ashamed and embarassed (and all negative words you can think of) about the way I’ve been for the past two weeks.
Basically it all started when my mother and sister (who can sometimes be an jerk) ganged up on me about my future plans.
I am taking a year off between college and law school.
and horror of horrors, I’m getting married.
However, I’m probably not getting married this year, it’ll probably be next year, May 15th (5-15 to you Who fans)…or I guess September 5th (9-05 works just as well)…I don’t know if that was a result of this discussion but its just boiled down to this.
For the next two weeks I resolve to be productive, not that I can make up for the lack of productivity that has dogged me and comprised the past two weeks, but I can try. I’ve already washed two loads of clothes, changed my sheets, cleaned my room, and cleared off my desk so I can focus. Later I will fix dinner for the family and walk a mile as has been my habit for the past three days.
I think that’s good enough for today.
Tomorrow is haircut, driver’s license renewal, and wedding rehearsal at church. Not mine…that would be ridiculous. I think tomorrow will be as productive if not more productive than today.
I can only endeavor to make the next two weeks better than the past two.
And I think I can make it happen.
I would love to be able to write something.
I’d love to be able to do something…
I pretty much just sit around the house all day without trying to expend the effort to shower and avoiding going anywhere. I need my driver’s license renewed…but I don’t feel like doing it.
I need to get my hair cut…but don’t feel like doing it.
Basically the only things I do are sit, eat, and watch TV. Oh, and I play Super Mario Brothers online…and Tetris sometimes.
Sometimes I text the man to ask him how his day is going.
Sometimes I respond to his messages.
Sometimes I laugh at the fun he’s having.
My friends in town are tired of my excuses and have stopped asking me to do things with them.
My family keeps asking what they can do to make me happy.
I’ve taken to walking out of the room when they ask…I think they get the message.
I wonder if I’ll be like this for the rest of break.
That would be okay, I guess.
I wonder if I’ll be too down to enjoy Christmas.
So…I would love to be able to write something.
I’ve dug through everything I wrote in the past to try and find something to interest me.
but there’s nothing.
I’m trying to figure out a way to avoid Christmas with my dad’s family.
..but this year there will be a lot of people there so I can blend in to the background pretty easily.
I think I’ll try that.
My dad…and the business agent of the union went to a theater today to look at installing some speakers.
I worked there last week.
The lady I worked for said I was great to work with.
They laughed and said I wasn’t great to work with…and I wasn’t competent, and I was a pain.
Do you wonder why I don’t apply for jobs?
Are you honestly shocked when I say I have no self-confidence.
I’m tired of being like this.
I might try to do something…
but then again I might not.
I am such a fantastic stagehand.
I am so good I do things before I’m asked. I know all the terms, I know all the signals, I can do it all.
I am so good.
I just deposited the operating budget of a third world country (not really) in to my bank account because…yes. I am that good.
Oh, they won’t let me have a union card?
maybe I’m not THAT good…but I’m still good.
I’m better than all of you.
Unless you happen to be business agents or stewards or owners of production companies or theaters…
in which case you would do yourself a favor by hiring me.
because I am so good.
…but people aren’t interested in my skill.
they’re interested in my age.
and what I look like.
and any number of things that are not my skill level.
…which is fantastic.
I’m so good at my job I astound myself sometimes.
I’m sorry. I’m sitting at my desk crying over my law school applications and the wedding I have been cheated out of this year…and I needed a pick me up.
I needed to talk about the only thing that makes me happy…other than the man who will probably leave me as soon as I manage to tell him we can’t get married this year.
…but I’m the best stagehand you’ll ever meet.
…and on heaven’s golden shore we’ll lay our heads.”
Ten things I hate about myself right now:
-I am a people-pleaser..and this is pissing me off.
-I have a gained A TON of weight. Pretty much all the weight I lost on weight watchers that made me sexy and attractive to the man in the first place. the man says he doesn’t mind…good man.
-I ripped my pants. This is not a result of being fat…I ripped the leg.
-I’m at my parents’ house for a month…and already want to punch my sister.
-My Christmas gifts for everyone were pitiful.
-Currently I am procrastinating my online J-Term class…something I promised myself I wouldn’t do.
-I’m wearing furry boots. Seriously. I also wore them in public today.
-I’ve been going to bed too late and sleeping too late.
-I don’t want to hang out with KCU people over break…or go to church.
-I LISTEN TO COUNTRY LATELY!!!
Redeeming Aspects of these things:
-Maybe I’m just trying to please the wrong people?
-I can lose the weight again…I just need to focus.
-I can buy other pants.
-Suck it Mary.
-Everyone has sucked at Christmas shopping this year…not just me.
-I’m going to do this assignment right now…as soon as I get done typing this blog.
-My feet are warm.
-I will not stay up and watch Venture Brothers tonight. It is not a show for a twenty-one year old female who wants people to take her seriously.
-I seem to be avoiding people…but I’m tearing through the Bible like its my job. Wow.
-…some of its good???
The truth is I have never known what I wanted to do in my life.
I have always bounced back and forth between things I wanted to do. I wanted to go to law school, I wanted to do live sound for a living, I wanted to be a psychologist, I wanted to be a teacher, I wanted to be a professor, I wanted to go to law school, I wanted to work as a stagehand, I wanted to go to law school, I wanted to get married, I wanted to go to law school, I wanted to get married and go to law school at the same time…
I have never known without a doubt what I should do with my life. I have always wished someone would tell me and I’ve had no shortage of people telling me what to do.
I know that at this point in my life I am uncomfortable and I don’t know about what. I don’t know if its about my relationship or about next semester or about the decisions I’ve been making.
Here’s something I think could be contributing:
The man wants to buy me an engagement ring. He asked my bff (on campus friend who is lower in rank than my best friend but better than a friend) to pick out what she thought I would like. I mean…I don’t know about wedding protocol and whatever but…wouldn’t it make more sense if I picked out this thing that’s going to be on my hand for the rest of my natural life? Part of this discomfort is I don’t like secrets and I don’t like surprises and this is going to end up being a huge secritive surprise thats going to make me want to puke.
I don’t think I can handle it.
Does that mean I can’t handle him and we shouldn’t get married…
my mother would say yes.
I told my mother we were getting married and she said okay. No screaming, no throwing things…just okay.
Just okay and left me to plan it on my own.
I’m over it.
I’m buying plane tickets to Vegas.
Why can’t things be easy anymore?
I never have enough time to do my work. I can’t just sit down and make time and say “I’m not moving until I get this done…” I had to work a show all last week that took up every free moment of my time. I slept four hours a night because it was the last week of classes at the same time.
I then find out on Monday after tearing the show down Sunday that I was failing a class and I need to get an assignment in as quick as possible.
I finish the assignment and walk in late to another class where they’re talking about test prep and I missed the first part of the lecture. Probably failed the final because of this.
I had four finals in one day.
I had an eye exam on Wednesday where they undercharged me for my glasses and then made me go back and pay again which screwed up my checking account balance which is yet another thing I have no control of anymore.
There are two shows this week and I’m trying to make it through both of them while administrating my personal life at the same time.
not working so well.
The man is leaving and he’ll be gone for a month.
that doesn’t make me happy.
I have to buy books for an online class and have no money to do that.
…because the eye dr. screwed up my balance.
Oh, Christmas is in two weeks and I have no money to buy Christmas presents.
I just wish things were easy again.
I’m uncomfortable, and no one understands why I’m uncomfortable.
I’m sad, and no one understands why I’m sad.
I want to leave, and no one understands why I want to leave.
I want to crawl in bed and sleep for days, and no one understands that either.
My life is a mess.
I wish I hadn’t made so many promises.
I wish I hadn’t gotten close to people.
I wish I could move on.
I really want to run away right now.