The truth is…

The truth is I have never known what I wanted to do in my life.

I have always bounced back and forth between things I wanted to do. I wanted to go to law school, I wanted to do live sound for a living, I wanted to be a psychologist, I wanted to be a teacher, I wanted to be a professor, I wanted to go to law school, I wanted to work as a stagehand, I wanted to go to law school, I wanted to get married, I wanted to go to law school, I wanted to get married and go to law school at the same time…

I have never known without a doubt what I should do with my life. I have always wished someone would tell me and I’ve had no shortage of people telling me what to do.

I know that at this point in my life I am uncomfortable and I don’t know about what. I don’t know if its about my relationship or about next semester or about the decisions I’ve been making.

Here’s something I think could be contributing:
The man wants to buy me an engagement ring. He asked my bff (on campus friend who is lower in rank than my best friend but better than a friend) to pick out what she thought I would like. I mean…I don’t know about wedding protocol and whatever but…wouldn’t it make more sense if I picked out this thing that’s going to be on my hand for the rest of my natural life? Part of this discomfort is I don’t like secrets and I don’t like surprises and this is going to end up being a huge secritive surprise thats going to make me want to puke.

I don’t think I can handle it.

Does that mean I can’t handle him and we shouldn’t get married…
my mother would say yes.

I told my mother we were getting married and she said okay. No screaming, no throwing things…just okay.
Just okay and left me to plan it on my own.
eff this.
I’m over it.
I’m buying plane tickets to Vegas.

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2 responses to “The truth is…

  1. I like the bff explanation. I miss knowing about the intimate workings of the Liz. And if you’d like, I’ll help you plan from the top to bottom. From strip club to toenails.

  2. It so does involve a skeleton suit. Chico should get pictures up sometime.

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