Monthly Archives: February 2009

I’m just going to write what I’m feeling right now and see what happens.

This is just for venting. Please do not call the campus counselor and tell him I’m going to jump off a bridge. That would require me getting on a bridge and I’m way too scared of bridges to do that.

I am tired of my family telling me everything I do is dumb or wrong. I showed up at the house tonight with a bottle of wine. Yes, I did that. I bought it. I drank some of it. Not the whole bottle…though the way this night is turning out I might drink the whole bottle. I then talked to my mother who told me she didn’t think I was happy in my life (really??? Really???) and she blames my relationship. She says she wonders if I’m getting fat because of my relationship.

I’m getting fat. I’m supposed to be running and working out but I’m about to polish off a four pack of Cadbury Caramel eggs (serving size 1 egg) and I ate pasta and bread for dinner today and Greek for lunch…and eggs for breakfast. I just can’t get it under control.

I’m in danger of seriously wrecking my last semester of college because I just won’t do my work. I don’t want to be there and I don’t want to sit in my room and do homework all the time. I don’t want to write a thirty page research paper, or summarize chapters, or write a book review or ANYTHING. I DON’T WANT TO DO WORK TOWARD THIS STUPID USELESS DEGREE I’VE WASTED THREE YEARS TRYING TO GET!!!!!

While my classmates are getting good jobs with their degrees and being productive members of society I’ll be scanning their groceries at Wal-Mart.
(Not that there’s anything wrong with working at Wal-Mart that is not what I’m saying.)
I could stop this slow descent in to Wal-Mart hell by FIGURING OUT WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE!!! or at least settling. I’ll settle for anything so long as it feels halfway right.

Oh yes…and I’m getting married. That’s intelligent right there. I’m getting married and have no idea what kind of job I can get or what I can do to be productive. I can’t cook for shit, I keep my room at school clean enough…but I just lack the essential skills to succeed at this venture. So should I not do it? I can’t answer that. Every time I bring it up I get “Oh, you’ll be fine…” Well, fine. Let’s see if a few years down the road you don’t wish you’d married someone else. Someone who can actually have interesting things to talk about with other people…or doesn’t freak at the prospects of spending time with new people or can actually cook dinner or can do any number of things that I just can’t do.

I really need a hobby to keep me from doing things like this….but I just really don’t want to sink the time and money in to trying 50 different things to see what I can do well, or passably.

And I’m working tomorrow. Yeah. I hate it. I used to go on and on about how much I loved being a stagehand and I hate it. I just hate it. I hate it because I gave them so much time…so much time I didn’t have to learn this skill. I hate it because after promising me and promising me they wouldn’t let me join the union and have set me on a path of thinking I’m not good enough to do anything.
Is it their fault for telling me this or my fault for believing it?
I’m just miserable. I’m just so sad and so upset at where I am in my life and I don’t have a clue how to fix it. I’m past the point of being able to put on a happy face and move on. I really need to be proactive and do something about this…
but I just don’t know what to do.

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A girl with a bird she found in the snow
Then flew up her gown and that’s how she knows
If God made her eyes for crying at birth
Then left the ground to circle the earth.

I’m at an extremely dangerous and frightening place in my life.

While driving around civilization aka Lexington, Kentucky today I watched every car passing by and wondered if the people driving them were happy. I wondered if there was anyone in the entire city (of about 90,000 people…100,000 when UK is in session) feeling the same way I was.

It hit me in Sportsman’s Warehouse that I’m no longer interested in anything. I watched the man drool over guns, tents, and hunting accessories and I wished I could summon up passion about SOMETHING. Anything…Even if its ridiculous I just want something.

In Half Price Books I looked at records for my sister and saw a few things I should go nuts over…but I didn’t. I bought two books that I’m praying (and communicated this to ShainaN earlier) that I can read. I just…The thought of sitting in one place long enough to read a book is irritating to me for some reason.

In Barnes and Noble I bypassed books completely and headed for the cafe so I could read magazines and listen to other people’s conversations. There was a woman having a job interview with a severe looking woman with blond hair and a black suit. That got me wondering whether or not there will be job interviews for Liz in the future.

In Gap and Old Navy I looked at clothes to wear to work and laughed out loud at the prospect of having a real job…or a career…or going to school…or anything.

And that is the gist of it ladies and gentlemen. I have no idea. I am in a very dangerous place in my life because I have no idea where to go next. I feel like I’m too old to be daydreaming about what I want to be when I grow up and don’t want to get sucked in to a job I don’t want and bypass an opportunity for a great career.

I just have no idea.
and I have a feeling this is one of those things that won’t get better…it’ll just keep growing and growing until its so much more than just sitting in my car wondering if other people are happy…

…and I don’t know how to talk about it either, except for blogging about it. I just feel like everyone else has it all together and can’t understand why I have no idea what to do with the rest of my life. Why am I so lost all of a sudden? I’ve supposedly always known what I wanted in life…what’s happening now? My head is spinning and I’m about to cry from frustration and sadness.

I just wish someone would tell me what to do.
its worked my entire life…why not now?

I have a migraine.

Migraines are one of my more irritating traits.
I don’t know if the tendency to have headaches is a trait or not…I wish I didn’t have them but now that I’m on meds for them its a little better.

However, the meds make me do irritating things like walk funny, have a blank look on my face constantly, lack the ability to concentrate and snap at cashiers in K-Mart (he had it coming).

These headaches are a part of my life, as is the medication induced stupor that accompanies them. I’m okay with this…because I can’t really change it…and its really no use whining about headaches I can’t change.

I’m mostly writing this to compare my style of writing when I have a headache to my style when I’m headache free.

Anyway. The man and I are making a day trip to Lexington for our winter break which should be fairly exciting. I just have to get through the next few hours and a few classes. I think I can manage.

I’m off to analyze a Viking saga.
Oh boy.

When lifting weights and physical exertion are fun.

I keep re-reading that title and every time I do a bell rings in my head and someone shouts “double entendre!” I guess that phrase is a nicer way of saying “that’s what she said…” anyway…it could be taken two ways.

I can assure you the dirty way is not the way I meant it.

Now Liz, why would you post something that could be misconstrued?
Because the dirty way isn’t the way I meant it…

What I meant by this elaborate thing that’s just unfolded on my blog is basically that the man and I went to work out today as is what is trying to become our custom. We’re both not too busy on MWF so we try to go work out after lunch. (And may I take this opportunity to mention that our salad bar in the cafeteria at Bible College now has a fresh fruit/granola/yogurt attachment for our enjoyment. Delicious!!)

What was I talking about?
Oh, we went to work out.
I used to work out every day spring semester of last year. I’d get on the treadmill and hoof it for 2.5 miles (the thought of which makes me want to barf today) and then leave…figuring I’d already run 2.5 miles so I didn’t need to do anything else…but that was last year and life is different now.

So today I made it .5 miles (I’m gradually working my way up to the old 2.5…but if I tried to take off and run the full 2.5 I’d die of a heart attack and sweat bacon grease as the man said cutely today) and I decided I should probably do something else so I asked the man casually as he was sweating on the eliptical machine if he would help me lift weight…since he knows a little bit more than I do (which I know nothing) about this sort of thing. So I lifted weights…like a little girl. I couldn’t do the 15 pound weights so I did the 5 pound weights and for some reason this was the funniest thing in the world to me and I giggled like a school girl the whole time I was supposed to be lifting weights like a serious person.

For some reason it was so much fun. I really enjoyed lifting weights and making a you know what out of myself while the man silently wished he were somewhere else. After I got back to my room I kept laughing about it…and I’m still smiling thinking about how much fun we had goofing off in the gym.

they even brought a campus tour through Bible College while we were wheezing and I was giggling in the gym. Poor tour victim, I hope she doesn’t choose her college based on seeing my fat rear end bouncing around. I would be scarred for life…and I probably am come to think of it.

Anyway…my poor sore burning arms are making it hard for me to type this blog. Don’t tell the man, since I told him I was fine and ready to do 15,000,000 more reps…I think I’m going to try to nap and have a relaxing rest of the afternoon.

This week is not only going to be interesting, but busy too. Fantastic!

I shouldn’t have done it.

My sister told me about a friend who got engaged over the weekend.

I logged on to facebook to look at her ring (because we girls do stuff like that…) and EVERYONE AND THEIR MOTHER GOT ENGAGED THIS WEEKEND!!!

I know its because its valentines day and its the weekend of love…but seriously.

I shouldn’t have looked at it.
I didn’t just look at friend’s ring…I looked at acquaintance’s ring, not-so-friend’s ring, jerk girl’s ring and man-I-just-plain-don’t-like-who-is-so-narcissistic-he-took-a-picture-of-his-girlfriend’s-ring…all the while staring at my empty hand.

I shouldn’t be jumping the gun…we’ve only been dating five months but we’ve been talking about it basically since we started dating and DANGIT I WANT MY RING! We can’t get engaged until I meet his family…and I can’t meet his family until April when we go up for spring break (meaning I have to live in his parent’s house for an ENTIRE week…I’m already freaking out about this but that’s a completely different story) This whole thing is starting to get me depressed so I’d better quit now before I go do something I regret.

On the reading front…I haven’t managed to read yet…I borrowed a book from Shaina N. and it made a good place to put my glasses and my phone last night so I could find them this morning but I have no idea what its about or whether or not I’ll be reading it or not.

Anyway. Its been a good weekend. We went out and had a really good time…I shouldn’t spoil it by being a jerk and trying to rush the next step in my life.

but DANGIT!!
(that was a joke)

I can’t read.

Way back when I started this blog and it was called something else…I can’t really remember what it was called but that doesn’t matter…

I wrote about sad things.

I hated my job, and felt worthless and incompetent and dreaded going back to college and dreaded doing anything other than writing sad things on this blog.

When I picked it back up again last year…

I only wrote about sad things.

My mom had just been diagnosed with cancer, I was in a relationship that was going nowhere, I was overweight, and miserable most of the time…and enjoyed posting on this blog because it didn’t tell me “I’m sorry…” just to shut me up…and didn’t tell me to grow some cahonies and get over it…and it didn’t tell me to do something else with my time.

When I picked it back up this year….

I promised myself I’d only write about happy things.

I am in a great relationship, I’m graduating college in three years, and generally have a lot of things going for me.

…but I can’t read.
I can read what I’m typing and can read signs and I’m not saying I’m illiterate, but books which used to be the most wonderful thing in the world don’t have any appeal to me anymore. Magazines still do because they’re quick and easy and I can find a few things that interest me…but I’ve read the first chapters of at least seven books lately and placed them in a small pile for later and decided I don’t need their sass basically.

I can’t read.
I don’t know if this is a symptom of losing interest in things I used to love, and I don’t know if losing interest is a symptom of something else.

…but I can’t read.
I can’t even read chick lit.
or T.S. Eliot’s poetry.
or stuff for class.

This is getting ridiculous. I need to either sit down and force myself to finish a book or slap myself in the head with the book until its contents become interesting.

I just wanted to share…because this is one of those strange things that no one really understands…welcome to my life.