This is just for venting. Please do not call the campus counselor and tell him I’m going to jump off a bridge. That would require me getting on a bridge and I’m way too scared of bridges to do that.
I am tired of my family telling me everything I do is dumb or wrong. I showed up at the house tonight with a bottle of wine. Yes, I did that. I bought it. I drank some of it. Not the whole bottle…though the way this night is turning out I might drink the whole bottle. I then talked to my mother who told me she didn’t think I was happy in my life (really??? Really???) and she blames my relationship. She says she wonders if I’m getting fat because of my relationship.
I’m getting fat. I’m supposed to be running and working out but I’m about to polish off a four pack of Cadbury Caramel eggs (serving size 1 egg) and I ate pasta and bread for dinner today and Greek for lunch…and eggs for breakfast. I just can’t get it under control.
I’m in danger of seriously wrecking my last semester of college because I just won’t do my work. I don’t want to be there and I don’t want to sit in my room and do homework all the time. I don’t want to write a thirty page research paper, or summarize chapters, or write a book review or ANYTHING. I DON’T WANT TO DO WORK TOWARD THIS STUPID USELESS DEGREE I’VE WASTED THREE YEARS TRYING TO GET!!!!!
While my classmates are getting good jobs with their degrees and being productive members of society I’ll be scanning their groceries at Wal-Mart.
(Not that there’s anything wrong with working at Wal-Mart that is not what I’m saying.)
I could stop this slow descent in to Wal-Mart hell by FIGURING OUT WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE!!! or at least settling. I’ll settle for anything so long as it feels halfway right.
Oh yes…and I’m getting married. That’s intelligent right there. I’m getting married and have no idea what kind of job I can get or what I can do to be productive. I can’t cook for shit, I keep my room at school clean enough…but I just lack the essential skills to succeed at this venture. So should I not do it? I can’t answer that. Every time I bring it up I get “Oh, you’ll be fine…” Well, fine. Let’s see if a few years down the road you don’t wish you’d married someone else. Someone who can actually have interesting things to talk about with other people…or doesn’t freak at the prospects of spending time with new people or can actually cook dinner or can do any number of things that I just can’t do.
I really need a hobby to keep me from doing things like this….but I just really don’t want to sink the time and money in to trying 50 different things to see what I can do well, or passably.
And I’m working tomorrow. Yeah. I hate it. I used to go on and on about how much I loved being a stagehand and I hate it. I just hate it. I hate it because I gave them so much time…so much time I didn’t have to learn this skill. I hate it because after promising me and promising me they wouldn’t let me join the union and have set me on a path of thinking I’m not good enough to do anything.
Is it their fault for telling me this or my fault for believing it?
I’m just miserable. I’m just so sad and so upset at where I am in my life and I don’t have a clue how to fix it. I’m past the point of being able to put on a happy face and move on. I really need to be proactive and do something about this…
but I just don’t know what to do.