I apologize for my descent in to melodrama lately. Things aren’t going very well for me. As you can probably tell by my giant venting post that I’m thinking about deleting I’m having a bit of a rough time lately.
Last April I decided I didn’t want to be a lawyer anymore. I had talked of nothing else for my future besides being a lawyer since I was 9 so I knew no one would understand when I told them I wasn’t interested in law anymore so I didn’t tell anyone. I applied for positions on touring shows and tried to find something to occupy my time so I didn’t think about how I was failing at my life.
I worked shows to fill up the extra time and make money. I was good at it…supposedly…so I kept getting called. I worked and worked and worked and worked and had no social life and the relationship I was in started crumbling.
Last May I screwed up. I let the union down to do something with school and I regretted it for the rest of the month. Then I got involved in a scandal at one of the union houses…and I hated myself. I cried and cried and quit the union.
Then I went back in June, for one show. Life wasn’t the same, I was no longer the favorite person who got called for shows and got all the good department assignments. I was back on the low end of the totem pole…to the point that I didn’t get called for anything. I started the summer program and took my frustrations out on the people who worked for me. I wanted to make them feel as worthless as the union made me feel and I wanted to make them feel like they weren’t talented (and some of them were) and they would never learn how to do anything on stage. My parents thought I was still a great stagehand so they tried to use their pull to get me in to the union. It didn’t work. I didn’t want to join…I just wanted to be in the same place I was before. Them trying to get me in knocked me down even further…and I had no hope of ever reclaiming my position.
I did the only thing I could think of…besides crying my eyes out every day I took the initiative and started working for other companies who had seen me working for the union. I hated every bit of it. I hated the way I acted and talked and what came in to my brain and out of my mouth.
I started school back in August. I didn’t work again until October and thought that eventually I might work my way back up to favor…but there were new people who were more interesting than I could ever be…and had skill that I didn’t have.
I kept working when I could get it. But it was never the same. It won’t ever be the same and I wish I could stop thinking it ever will be.
I just found something that I loved, and felt like I was good at. I’m so upset that I wasted some of my “productive years” chasing this stupidity.
Which brings me to my point…after this long, drawn out tale.
Who is it that makes women feel worthless in life?
Who makes us think that we have to be so much better than everyone else, that makes us measure ourselves against every other woman on the planet? Who makes us feel threatened by smarter, prettier, more talented people? Do we not understand that we have special talents some people may not have? Do we not understand that even when we feel like we’re good at nothing in life…there must be something somewhere that we’re good at…we just have to find it.
I get upset with myself because I’ve never been feminine. I wasn’t raised that being girly was important. I have girlish tendencies but I’m not prissy…so what. Why does this bother me? I have no idea. I bought $60.00 of makeup before school started that has been beautifying nothing but my bathroom shelf since I bought it. Obviously I was never meant to be a girly girl. I need to stop crying about it and be the best woman I can be.
I am gaining weight. I had to wear fat people (or fat Liz) clothes to church today and was convinced my ass obscured the screen and people behind me couldn’t see the words. I am the only person who can fix this. I need to eat healthier and exercise more and fix this problem. I can’t blame anyone else. I have to fix this.
The only thing that scares me more than being fat is getting married. I really need to get over my fears of being married and not being accepted by his family…or I’m going to lose this relationship that I’m in. I don’t want that to happen. And once again the common theme is that I need to work on this, I can’t expect anyone else to. I have to.
The thing that scares me slightly less than being married is a lack of job prospects. I may have gotten a useless degree but I need to find a job to hold the place of a career (even if it is Wal-Mart…I freak every time I walk in there now because I could be putting on a blue vest sooner than I think) until I find my calling. I can’t expect a job to whack me in the face. I have to find it.
The common theme in all of these things that I’ve just said is they are things I have to fix. I can’t rely on other people to fix my problems and get upset when they don’t. I have to do this. Society may have told me that I have to be as pretty or as smart or wear as much pink or be as educated or as talented as the next girl, but it is up to ME to find what is right for myself and to not listen to things that drag me down or make me feel miserable.
Who Makes Women Feel Worthless? I don’t know.
Who is taking a stand against it? Liz.