Monthly Archives: March 2009

Who is Bored? I am!

I am…incredibly incredibly bored.
I think…deep thoughts…ha. No.
I know…what I should be doing.
I want…a home of my own.
I have…the beginnings of a headache.
I wish…I could find a graduate program.
I hate…my pragmatic nature.
I miss…summer.
I fear…the future.
I feel…tired.
I hear…girls out in the lobby being obnoxious. also Ryan Adams.
I smell…I don’t even want to get in to that. It could be anything up here.
I regret…coming here for school.
I love…Brian.
I care…about way too many things.
I always…say the wrong things.
I am not…perfect.
I believe…that I was put here to do something. I wish I knew what.
I dance…horribly.
I sing…equally horribly. (yes, that is incorrect grammar).

I write…nothing that will change the world.
I win…the ‘who is the most bored’ contest.
I lose…a lot of things.
I never…finish everything I set out to accomplish in a day.
I listen…quite well actually.
I can usually be found…with Brian. Being happy.
I’m scared of…graduating.
I read…EVERYTHING.
I forget…not as much as I let on.
I just…wish it were May.
I am happy about…my trip this weekend, spring break, graduation.

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Why do ridiculous things make the best reflections?

I’m holed up in the library on campus writing my senior seminar capstone paper. Of course they don’t call it a capstone paper, they just call it a seminar paper. Having taken three previous seminar classes (History of Modern Germany, Ancient Greece, and French Revolution: Age of Napoleon) I think calling it a seminar paper cheapens it.

Anyway. I’ve cranked out two pages in under 45 minutes (the future English professor in me is bragging about the IMPORTANCE OF OUTLINING PEOPLE!! OUTLINE!!! IT WILL NOT KILL YOU TO SIT DOWN AND PLAN YOUR WORK!)

I apologize. I’m all about shouting today for some reason. Anyway…I cranked out two pages in under 45 minutes and decided to take a break and reflect.

This paper is for the the capstone class for my major (History/Pre-Law) and all of the work I’ve done prior to this period is half of the battle. This paper is the other half.

My MAJOR. This which I have worked on for three years and which I have written papers until my hands ached and sat through hours and hours of classes…this paper is the end of college for me.

Yes, I have to take the GRE, study for an oral exam, and do the requirements for the other history classes I’m in…but wow. My time as a history major is over when I submit this paper at 2:00 p.m. on April 23, 2009.

I’m getting out of history, or at least the scholastic study of it. I realized throughout this capstone course that its not for me. I’m moving instead toward my one true love (besides Brian “the man” F.) Literature.

A while back I blogged about not being able to read books. Apparently whatever was bothering me about reading books is gone and I’ve inhaled three books since then and am getting ready (once this paper is done) to go to my favorite (or only close) half price book store and get new books. I realized that writing, reading, and editing are three of the greatest things in the world so I’m going to school to learn to be either an English professor or a book editor. These two things inspire happiness in me that history has never been able to awaken.

This means I get to go on an unpaid internship this summer!! Joy of joys!! It also means I’ll be doing the three things I love most: reading, writing, and editing. (the man is in there too…but he’s a person and this blog needs to be strictly PG until this late summer/fall…then I don’t know what to tell you).

Anyway, I’m going to pull up a new playlist on the Orangepod, attempt to be quiet in the library (I really hate it in here. I make all kinds of noise and this place is way too quiet), and get five pages done on this paper before dinner…which is usually at 5:00 or shortly thereafter.

and there’s two weeks (more like 1 and 3/4 weeks) until Spring Break
and 45 days until graduation.

and the pants I’m wearing are made of some kind of canvas that makes a horrible noise every time I fidget…and I fidget often. Whoever sold me these pants is laughing somewhere. I predict it.

Until next time.
Liz

Pictures

I have a lot on my mind but don’t really want to type it out. So I’m going to post several pictures with small captions a “practically wordless Wednesday” as Shaina N. often says. I understand it is not Wednesday. I have not completely lost it. However, there is just so much going on in life that I don’t really want to write about. I had a small panic attack last night because I have so much to do and less time to accomplish all of this than I think.

Oh well. Pictures.


This is my FAVORITE picture of Brian (OOPS! The man…) and me. I really do love this picture, its the background on my phone, and its framed on my desk and will be framed in my house and later in our house. I just adore it. However, every time I look at it I find something wrong with it.


This is one of my favorite pictures of the K. and me. We’re on our way to a My Morning Jacket concert. That was a great day.


This is my mom and me when she still wore her wig. This was at ShainaN’s wedding. I look a little thin in that picture BECAUSE I HAD SWEATED OFF FIFTY POUNDS IN THE UPPER ROOM OF THE CHURCH. Whew, great day.


My sister takes great pictures of me when I’m not looking. I’ll explain the significance of this picture: I am sitting on some rocks on the North Shore of Lake Superior. In the bottom left corner of the picture you can see my shoes with my phone tucked in to one of them. I had just finished texting Brian before he became “the man” and telling him how beautiful the lake was. He texted back telling me he was sad he wasn’t there with me. I put down the phone because I had just broken up with his predecessor and was confused. I stared at the lake for a few minutes before my sister snapped this picture, told me to put my shoes on, and took me to Dairy Queen.


My sister is wearing green, and I’m wearing blue. This is strange because she likes blue and I like green. Oh well.

That’s all I’ve got for now. I really want to lie down and not go to Kentucky History…but I’d better go.

Keep you head up, its almost the end of the week.
Liz

I am so unbelievably lazy lately.

I realized tonight that instead of struggling and busting tail to get a homework assignment done (that was due Monday and is already EXTREMELY late) I should just put it on hold until tomorrow and concentrate on things I actually want to do…like blogging.

This has been a good week. I spent the better part of last night laughing and talking with my mom and sister…and then the 9 week old Beagle puppy peed on my mom. Anyway… Tonight I had chicken and dumplings which made fat Liz really happy. The man and I have taken to eating better which makes both of our large rear ends feel better. I try to make my salad as pretty as possible and I’ve gotten a few comments on how pretty my salads are…and have inadvertently started an attractive salad craze on campus.

Its just the little things that make me happy anymore.

Like warm weather…I wish it would come back. I was more than ready to retire my ugly gray shoes and heavy sweaters for the rest of the year and frolic around in flip flops and t-shirts. That would be very nice.

Oh, and my sister won an orange Ipod nano and gave it to me!! I love it .I named it Orangepod and have been bouncing around to music since I got it. Its a good thing I live alone.

So I’m being lazy and typing this blog…I should probably try to do something productive or probably not…I think another cup of tea and a book are in order.

We thank you for concern…but will thank you more for your support.

So its been a beautiful Monday and I’m typing a blog instead of doing my homework.

par for the course my friends, par for the course.

So I was brushing my teeth in the bathroom this afternoon after a long session of wedding planning with the man and thought to myself suddenly ‘how am I going to tell my grandparents I’m getting married?’

Here’s a newsflash for those of you who don’t know. The man and I are planning on getting married this year…People have reacted to this news with varying degrees of shock and disbelief. Some people have expressed good wishes or happiness and others have told us we should wait, and some have told us that we shouldn’t do it at all.

I am hesitant to tell people now because I’m frankly sick of hearing it.

I know people are only saying this out of concern for us…and I know that people only say it because they love us (or love one of us) but seriously…

We were told tonight that we have a 70% chance of our marriage failing because 1. we are so young and 2. we haven’t been together for very long. I thought that marriages failed because one or both parties decided to no longer be committed to the other party or they just decided it was too hard and didn’t want to work at it anymore.

I didn’t think marriages failed because they were doomed from the beginning. I didn’t think they were doomed from the beginning. I think the success of a marriage, just like any friendship or any relationship is about work. I honestly think that most marriages fail because no one in this country wants to work at anything anymore! I don’t want to work at my marriage so instead of just not getting married I want to get married and make my husband/wife miserable because I don’t want to put the time and effort in to our marriage to make it succeed. (That wasn’t me…i want nothing more than to work at every relationship I’m in whether to make it better or just to show that I’m interested in this relationship).

And why in the world do you have to date for ten years before you get married to figure out whether or not the person is the one for you??? I’ve known the man was the one for me since OUR FIRST DATE! He sat next to me at my friend’s wedding and we laughed and talked and had a spectacular time together. I was comfortable with him, and I think that is 90% of what love and commitment are made of. In order to be happy you have to be comfortable. Its true, its just no one admits this. We think we can change someone to suit our needs when instead we fail to realize that there is something IN US lacking if we feel that way. I just don’t see why we have to date for two or three years to figure out what we already know…and that is we’re right for each other.

I wish I could explain how happy I am and how I’m looking forward to the future with the man more than I can possibly say. I love him so much and I love every day with him, even the bad days (and we have some killer bad days). I am willing to take this leap and make this commitment to him without dating for a thousand years…because I don’t think we need to. I really don’t think we need to be established in our own careers and our own lives before we get married…I think we need to build a life together and I’m ready to do that. I don’t feel the need to become more and futher established as Liz R. before I become Liz F. I don’t think this commitment is right for everyone I just have begun to understand that this is right for me.

I think I speak for the man and myself and the family we will soon become when I say we thank you for your concern, but will thank you more for your support.

Who Makes Women Feel Worthless?

I apologize for my descent in to melodrama lately. Things aren’t going very well for me. As you can probably tell by my giant venting post that I’m thinking about deleting I’m having a bit of a rough time lately.

Last April I decided I didn’t want to be a lawyer anymore. I had talked of nothing else for my future besides being a lawyer since I was 9 so I knew no one would understand when I told them I wasn’t interested in law anymore so I didn’t tell anyone. I applied for positions on touring shows and tried to find something to occupy my time so I didn’t think about how I was failing at my life.

I worked shows to fill up the extra time and make money. I was good at it…supposedly…so I kept getting called. I worked and worked and worked and worked and had no social life and the relationship I was in started crumbling.

Last May I screwed up. I let the union down to do something with school and I regretted it for the rest of the month. Then I got involved in a scandal at one of the union houses…and I hated myself. I cried and cried and quit the union.

Then I went back in June, for one show. Life wasn’t the same, I was no longer the favorite person who got called for shows and got all the good department assignments. I was back on the low end of the totem pole…to the point that I didn’t get called for anything. I started the summer program and took my frustrations out on the people who worked for me. I wanted to make them feel as worthless as the union made me feel and I wanted to make them feel like they weren’t talented (and some of them were) and they would never learn how to do anything on stage. My parents thought I was still a great stagehand so they tried to use their pull to get me in to the union. It didn’t work. I didn’t want to join…I just wanted to be in the same place I was before. Them trying to get me in knocked me down even further…and I had no hope of ever reclaiming my position.

I did the only thing I could think of…besides crying my eyes out every day I took the initiative and started working for other companies who had seen me working for the union. I hated every bit of it. I hated the way I acted and talked and what came in to my brain and out of my mouth.

I started school back in August. I didn’t work again until October and thought that eventually I might work my way back up to favor…but there were new people who were more interesting than I could ever be…and had skill that I didn’t have.

I kept working when I could get it. But it was never the same. It won’t ever be the same and I wish I could stop thinking it ever will be.

I just found something that I loved, and felt like I was good at. I’m so upset that I wasted some of my “productive years” chasing this stupidity.

Which brings me to my point…after this long, drawn out tale.

Who is it that makes women feel worthless in life?

Who makes us think that we have to be so much better than everyone else, that makes us measure ourselves against every other woman on the planet? Who makes us feel threatened by smarter, prettier, more talented people? Do we not understand that we have special talents some people may not have? Do we not understand that even when we feel like we’re good at nothing in life…there must be something somewhere that we’re good at…we just have to find it.

I get upset with myself because I’ve never been feminine. I wasn’t raised that being girly was important. I have girlish tendencies but I’m not prissy…so what. Why does this bother me? I have no idea. I bought $60.00 of makeup before school started that has been beautifying nothing but my bathroom shelf since I bought it. Obviously I was never meant to be a girly girl. I need to stop crying about it and be the best woman I can be.

I am gaining weight. I had to wear fat people (or fat Liz) clothes to church today and was convinced my ass obscured the screen and people behind me couldn’t see the words. I am the only person who can fix this. I need to eat healthier and exercise more and fix this problem. I can’t blame anyone else. I have to fix this.

The only thing that scares me more than being fat is getting married. I really need to get over my fears of being married and not being accepted by his family…or I’m going to lose this relationship that I’m in. I don’t want that to happen. And once again the common theme is that I need to work on this, I can’t expect anyone else to. I have to.

The thing that scares me slightly less than being married is a lack of job prospects. I may have gotten a useless degree but I need to find a job to hold the place of a career (even if it is Wal-Mart…I freak every time I walk in there now because I could be putting on a blue vest sooner than I think) until I find my calling. I can’t expect a job to whack me in the face. I have to find it.

The common theme in all of these things that I’ve just said is they are things I have to fix. I can’t rely on other people to fix my problems and get upset when they don’t. I have to do this. Society may have told me that I have to be as pretty or as smart or wear as much pink or be as educated or as talented as the next girl, but it is up to ME to find what is right for myself and to not listen to things that drag me down or make me feel miserable.

Who Makes Women Feel Worthless? I don’t know.
Who is taking a stand against it? Liz.

News Flash.

Good Morning.

Today the man and I are going to a church where people won’t stare at us.

Does such a church even exist?
(probably not, but let’s not dash my hopes completely people…I’m rather fragile lately).

More on this later.