“Just because I’m losing, doesn’t mean I’m lost.”

I tweeted those lyrics last night from my seat way up in the cheap seats at church. I love Coldplay, I love all three versions of that song (Lost) and last night I REALLY needed to hear those words.

I am losing right now…in more ways than one.

Lets focus on the positive shall we.

I am losing weight. I completely overhauled my diet. I ate meat only three times last week and the meat I ate was fish. I ate fruits and vegetables for most of my meals. I drank water and I exercised multiple times last week. Brian bought me a mini trampoline which is a great way to get in exercise. I can’t really do much bouncing on it because I may go through the floor but its great to do jumping jacks on, to march in place, to do oblique twists and let me tell you exercising on that thing is HARD. The first time I did it I could only go ten minutes and I had sweat pouring off of me. Low impact doesn’t necessarily mean easy. For additional exercise I have taken to walking my wild beasts around the neighborhood. We have a short 20 minute walk we do that burns about 100 calories and then another longer walk that burns closer to 200. They seem to be enjoying it, I’m really enjoying the exercise and the fresh air and the non freezing temperatures have really been helping with that.

I stepped on the scale last Saturday morning to find I had lost 6 pounds in only 5 days of tracking. I understand that its probably mostly water weight…but to be completely honest with you all that’s the longest I’ve gone in a long time without giving up on a diet. I’m still going strong and cooking healthy (and according to my husband delicious) meals for us. We’re not eating out and we’re spending a lot of time at home packing up for our big move. I feel like a winner for the first time in a long time.

Okay, here’s the negative part.

I got my LSAT scores back last week. It would be an understatement to say I F*&^ -ed it up. Oh boy did I ever do horribly on that test. I want to vomit every time I think about it for longer than 5 minutes…so I haven’t been. I went out the next night and bought another prep book and registered for the test in February. Law school may have to wait another semester while I bring my score up…but if I’ve learned one thing in my life its this. If you f*&% something up move on.

I had a deep soul searching conversation with myself about whether I did in fact want to be a lawyer after this great f&^% up of 2011. I decided that yes, I do want to be a lawyer and I need to work harder at this goal. When I studied for the LSAT last time I took a few practice tests and convinced myself I wasn’t going to get a good score and gave up.

and look what happened. That’s what people call a “self-fulfilling prophecy” children.

I did a few practice problems this evening and as I was checking over the answers I realized that I could have gotten a perfect on these answers if I had trusted the answer I came up with in the first place. For some reason I thought the answer I had originally come up with had to be wrong and the right answer was somewhere else.

I do this a lot in my life. What I do and what I come up with are never good enough.

I was really proud of myself for finishing my bachelor’s degree in three years. I was over the moon happy that I did something that takes people 4 years or longer in less time. After I graduated and was working at the Nowhere News I was sitting in a job interview with another place and the lady asked about my time management skills and I said “Well, I graduated college in three years.” and she said “So what, I graduated college in one and a half years while taking care of my terminally ill mother and taking care of three kids.” Instead of thinking, as I should have: “Wow, this woman is a bitch and she’s just trying to one up me” I immediately shut up about it. Since then I have never talked to anyone I didn’t know about graduating college in three years. I rarely ever mention it now.

Basically what I’m saying is I need to grow some self-confidence and believe that I have achieved great things and I will continue to achieve great things in my life. I have about 4 weeks before I take the LSAT again. Can you grow self confidence in 4 weeks? I’m sure going to try…along with taking a bunch more practice tests and studying my brains out. Hey I only work 3 days a week.

So if you’re looking for me in the next 4 weeks I’ll either be cooking healthy food, exercising, or studying.

Am I back in college again?

Well yes I am…but more on that development later.

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